The Human Centipede:First Sequence (2010)

Review by Adam C. Thomas

NEGATIVE

There's been a trend in the horror genre the past few years, geared more toward upping the bar in the gore and shock departments. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just most of these works seem to be lacking in the story department. So sue me--I like the proverbial meat with my proverbial potatoes. "Torture porn" affairs like Hostel and Saw (all twenty million of them) come to mind. Sure, they're entertaining and thrilling and all that, but they're also colossal wastes of time posing as scary movies.

What's scary is they're still touting this crap as box-office gold. What happened to horror movies in the vein of Night of the Creeps or The Changeling? Movies that were truly spine-tingling, movies that were fun. I think ever since Psycho and Jaws* (one of the highest of the horror genre, in my opinion), horror has been a cesspool of remakes, rehashes, and rejects.

The Human Centipede is no different. It does what most formulaic Hollywood freak-fare has done for the past couple decades: falls limp on a faulty concept. Mind you, a concept that entices the "WTF? Factor" more than anything else. It's the thing you can't simply tear your eyes away from. A train wreck, in other words. What's the schtick? Glad you asked.

If you haven't heard, the object of the title is a surgical joining between three links in a grotesque chain, fused at one another's anus and mouth in the hideous form of such a mental picture. The worst position in said 'centipede' would surely be the middle, reserved for the person with the worst karma in the universe. Even worse would be the last in the chain. The ring leader of this whole predicament is one Dr. Heiter, a German surgeon portrayed by Deiter Laser (that name may be the coolest part of this review, trust me) who reminds one of a cross between Christopher Walken and a giant, upright praying-mantis. Two American gals (one's name was Jenny, the other I've forgotten...forgettable characters, for shame) backpacking across Europe break down on the road to a party and unwittingly stumble into the doctor's backyard. A failed 'Rottweiler centipede' is marked by a stone in his backyard. The guy would've done stand-up at Auschwitz, I'm sure of it.

Once inside, the girls are slipped roofies and wake up soon after in the doctor's 'research area' in his cellar, essentially a sterile reproduction of an operating room. What follows is more part of the movie's greater stretching-out of the overall story, and possibly its only saving grace. This one does for suspense what House of the Devil did last year, in my opinion. Only that movie succeeded in its execution.

Surprisingly, much of the whole hyped-up shared digestive system hype surrounding The Human Centipede was just that. Not that we would want to see too much of it up close and personal. Much of the true gore and grossness is implied, which is a nice change. Some flicks' only comic relief is in their gore and absurdity. This one is so absurd, it's depressing. My advice: don't watch The Human Centipede. It's a complete waste of time. Even with its suspense, it's predictable (as most horror movies are nowadays *cough* Paranormal Activity *cough*) and even the most sympathetic of characters are more caricature of real human emotion. Am I supposed to feel sorry for any of these characters? It's just a movie, right?

Right?

It's like the old guy says, "Sure she's a classy model, but does the goddamn Cadillac have a steering wheel?" In The Human Centipede's case, no it does not. What's more sad--the creator of this bag of tripe, Tom Mix, is planning at least another sequel. Has he no shame? Apparently not.

*Sidenote: Few films in the horror genre have compared to the sheer originality and suspense as Psycho and Jaws. Two completely different directors/stories/settings, but stories nevertheless. Since then, most (not all) horror has been careening down a perpetual urinal drain of self-parody, venomous mass-marketing, and altogether bad form. Should the genre have not transcended Jaws by now?