Review by Adam C. Thomas
Let me preface this entire review with this statement: Look down at your lap. If you have male genitalia, you need to see this movie. If you don't have male genitalia, watch this movie, and you will grow male genitalia. With that out of the way, on to the review.
As many of you who know me are aware, I enjoy the occasional film. I am a heavy handed constituent of plot and story in movies, because without a story, what do you have?
(Michael Bay movies.)
Seriously, though, if a movie has little or no plot to it, I generally pass it off and try to purge it from my memory banks with that little flashy thingy trick from Men In Black, which almost always ends up just giving me a severe migraine. Once in a blue corn moon, though, there comes a film so scrotum-enhancingly awesome that it requires no story. Ninja Assassin is that movie.
That's not to say that it doesn't have a story, because it does. I'm just saying that it could have had absolutely no plot whatsoever, and simply consisted of furious ninja on ninja kung fu action, and I would not have been upset at dropping $10 to watch it. But, praise be to whatever gods the ninjas worship, this film has a story, and a pretty decent one at that. It seemed like one of those big dumb summer movies from all the trailers, but just so happened to have been released during the holiday season.
Our tale of ninja badassery begins with Raizo (played by Rain - that's seriously the dude's name, which has badass written all over it by itself), an orphan who was picked up by the Ozunu clan and trained in the ancient art of ninja-ery. Because ninja do not care about gender, only cold-blooded killing ability, there was a ninja-ette at the school that Raizo took a liking to named Kiriko. In my mind, Raizo and Kiriko went on secret ninja training missions together, killing dudes from the shadows, tossing shurikens, stabbing throats, the whole time exchanging sweet nothings and singing The Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand", then humping like mad rabbits in the bloody aftermath. But soon enough, Kiriko incurred the wrath of the headmaster by trying to escape. She was caught, because trying to escape from a secret ninja compound is probably not unlike trying to escape a pit bull fighting ring in a T-bone jockstrap. For her foolishness, she was branded a traitor, and sentenced to execution, ninja style. Needless to say, this pissed off Raizo more than just a little bit.
Meanwhile, halfway across the world, EUROPOL agent Mika Coretti (played by Naomie Harris, from Pirates of the Caribbean) is on a hot lead. She's looking into a money laundering scheme that she believes is tied to, you guessed it, the Ozunu clan. Of course, when she tells her superior about this, he scoffs at her, believing her to be batshit looney, because ninjas don't really exist anymore, right? So she goes guerilla style and jacks the files to investigate further. Because ninjas are omniscient, they know she is about to blow this whole thing wide open, and attempt her assassination. Here comes Raizo, saving the day, and shit. This leads to an insane battle between Raizo, the Ozunu clan, and EUROPOL, culminating in one of the most badass final scenes I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing.
I think it's safe to say, this movie deserved every fucking inch of it's R rating. It's not technically horror, but this movie could teach modern american horror a thing or two about doig gore right. Any movie that has a head getting cut in half at the lips in the very first scene usually earns an A in my book. The special effects in this movie were above average of what I expected, but about on par with most big budget action flicks. The action was great, the story was great, the fight scenes were something more movies should take note of, and for once, it was an ORIGINAL FUCKING STORY. Far-fetched? Yes. Cheesy? To a point. Those things are trivial compared to the fact that this movie was an original plot. That in itself measn more to me than any amount of explosions, ninja stars, swords, exploding smoke ball things, or black pajamas ever could. Not that those things are bad, mind you. I give it an 8 out of 10.
Ninja Assassin was directed by James McTiegue, produced by The Wachowski Brothers, and stars, Rain, Naomie Harris, and Sho Kuzugi. It is in theatres right now.