Van Helsing (2004)
Review by W. Schaeffer Tolliver
With a black and white opening logo and an introductory scene from Universal Studios, Van Helsing attempts immediately to pay homage to it's roots in those classic monster movies of yesteryear that inspired this movie. A convoluted plot with werewolves, vampires, lone monster hunters, priests, gypsies, angry villagers, a creepy grave digger and a hunchback henchman named Igor. And it has Kate Beckinsale. There are some guys, like Hugh Jackman as the title hero, David Wenham as the sidekick and Richard Roxburgh as a decently performed Dracula... But it has Kate Beckinsale.

Kate Beckinsale wearing a corset.

Kate Beckinsale wearing a corset in a movie with vampires. So it's at least it's got some.. Appealing scenery.

The black and white scenes stay on screen for a few minutes until the angry villagers with the torches burn down the windmill The Monster runs into every time the villagers chase him. (Can you imagine the Transylvanian Windmill insurance rates?!) After Dracula looks pissed for a minute that his plans involving The Monster are going up in flames we fast forward a year and switch to color.

And we switch to Van Helsing, who is wanted dead or alive by the French. Apparently he causes a lot of collateral damage or something since his priest-boss talks about this later on, but right now he's fighting a CGI Mr. Hyde on the rooftops of Paris. In Notre Dame, just so we can get some more Hunchback action that isn't Igor, make a bell reference, have a cool skyline at night. Look like a steampunk version of Batman and head to Rome. While in Rome we learn that Van Helsing belongs to an interfaith secret order of James Bond-ish gadget making priests that send him out to hunt monsters and get mad at him a lot. And his name isn't Abraham, it's Gabriel. And he's possibly immortal, but certainly has amnesia. (Did we mention Hugh Jackman plays Wolverine? Wolverine is a possibly immortal warrior. With amnesia.)

After some really cool action scenes including a werewolf, the introduction of Beckinsale's character and some scenery of the Transylvania village where this all takes place, we are informed that Dracula has been trying to continue his plan without Victor's help. Maybe he shouldn't have killed him, but that's Dracula for you! Megalomaniacal 400 hundred year old undead guys can be so impatient! Then he explains that maybe the werewolf venom in the brother of the Beckinsale character can do the trick and give life to his undead baby vampire egg sacks.

Werewolf venom? Undead vampire baby egg sacks?! So, Dracula wants to father a race of monsters and smack God's creation in the face. And to do that, because “werewolf venom” doesn't work, he needs Frankenstein's Monster as infant formula for his army of vampire egg sacks hanging around the castle like slime dripping piñatas.

Toto, I don't think we're in Transylvania anymore.

After some more fights, the characters finding The Monster still alive in a cave under the burnt out windmill, a chase scene with an exploding carriage and walking through a magic mirror we come to the climax. Van Helsing is now a werewolf in orderto fight Dracula. All this to redo Dracula vs. The Wolfman with CGI.

Mostly serving as a vehicle for Jackman and Beckinsale, Van Helsing is not a great horror movie, and not a great action movie, but a passable pastiche of both types. But it just doesn't serve up the goods nearly as well as Sommers' Mummy series. The thrill level isn't there with this movie. Dracula is more like a Bond villain than the grand-daddy of all monsters, which is the plot, by the way if that wasn't clear with all the.. Egg sacks.

Best Quote: “Try to get Igor? Igor get you!” - Igor

5/10 stars/severed heads or whatever it is we use..

Great special effects and action scenes. They distract the audience from the plot long enough to keep you entertained. If you like horror movies and action movies it's worth watching a few times.

If you like a sweaty brooding Hugh Jackman, its worth watching.

And If you like Kate Beckinsale in a corset doing a lot of grunting? Buy this and put it on infinite repeat.. Like I did.